I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
