I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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