im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
