Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
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