I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
