There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
