I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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