I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
