The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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