I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
And then he peed in my hair
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