considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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