My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
