my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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