Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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