Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Randomize
