Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
