ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Randomize
