you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
