Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
