Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
