he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
