what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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