i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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