phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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