My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Randomize
