mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
