Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
