I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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