checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
