you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
