I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
