theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Randomize
