The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
