We need to start having sex underwater more often.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
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Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
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So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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