I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize