Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
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