the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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