my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
be right there i have to get my cape
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
