3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
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Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
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No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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