I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
