i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
