Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
