i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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