I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
