I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
