Pants 0. Shit 1.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Randomize
