i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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