i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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