I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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