Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
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I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
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seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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