There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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