The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
Of course I have a pirate flag
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
