all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
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