woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
