i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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